PAKISTANI GHAR KA AIK DIN
BY ANEEQA SHOAIB
Pakistani ghar ka aik din technically subah se start hota hai…
Lekin asal mein uska start hota hai jab Ammi teesri baar awaaz deti hain.
Pehli do awazon ka to system mein record hi nahi hota.
Teesri awaaz thodi high pitch mein hoti hai aur us mein ek hidden dhamki hoti hai.
“Main aakhri baar keh rahi hoon…”
aur yeh “aakhri” kabhi aakhri nahi hota.
Subah ka scene kuch aisa hota hai jaise kisi low budget drama ka live shoot chal raha ho.
Ek banda bathroom ke bahir intazar kar raha hota hai, dusra towel dhoond raha hota hai, teesra chillata hai “Mera charger kis ne uthaya?” aur chautha banda jo sab se masoom hota hai woh chup chap chai ke intezar mein hota hai.
Pakistani ghar mein chai sirf drink nahi hoti emotional support system hota hai. Agar chai dair se mil jaye to lagta hai zindagi ka maqsad hi chala gaya.
Aur agar chai thandi ho jaye to phir toh bas… “Is ghar mein kisi ko meri parwah hi nahi hai.”
Breakfast par agar paratha ho to koi diet pe hota hai.
Agar anda ho to koi kehta hai roz roz anda? Agar cereal ho to sab kehte hain “Yeh angrezon wala nashta kyun?” Matlab khush rehna option hi nahi hai.
Abbu ka ek permanent dialogue hota hai jo har situation par fit hota hai:
“Yeh sab mobile ki wajah se ho raha hai.” Bijli chali jaye? Mobile ki wajah se. Bachcha fail ho jaye? Mobile ki wajah se. Padosi ki billi bhaag jaye? Probably mobile ki wajah se.
Dopahar tak ghar mein sirf do cheezen active hoti hain kitchen aur WiFi.
Aur WiFi agar slow ho jaye to poora ghar aise react karta hai jaise national emergency lag gayi ho.
“Router restart karo!” “Password kis ne change kiya?” “Data khatam ho gaya kya?” Aur sab se bada jhoot: “Main ne to kuch download hi nahi kiya.”
Phir aata hai Pakistani rishtedaaron ka chapter.
Agar koi mehmaan bina bataye aa jaye…
bas phir jo Olympic level cleaning hoti hai na us par Netflix documentary ban sakti hai.
Sofa ke neeche se woh cheezen nikalti hain jo shayad 2018 se missing thi.
Aur woh special crockery nikalti hai jo sirf mehmaanon ke liye hi hoti hai.
Ghar wale kabhi us cup mein chai nahi peete kyunki “Toot gaya to set kharab ho jaye ga.”
Mehmaan aate hi sab ke faces par artificial smile aa jati hai. “Arey aap ne takalluf kyun kiya aane ka?” jab ke andar se awaaz aa rahi hoti hai “Phone kar dete to main kam az kam baal to theek kar leti.”
Aur phir woh classic comparison session shuru hota hai.
“Hamari beti to subah 5 baje uth kar namaz bhi parhti hai aur phir college/school ki tayari bhi karti hai subah hi apna sabak yad kar leti hai.” Aur ghar wale chup chap ek dusre ko dekhte hain jaise keh rahe hon: “Hum se kya dushmani hai?”
Shaam ko jab bijli chali jati hai to poora ghar ek ho jata hai.
Sab ek hi pankhe ke neeche baith kar government ki policy discuss karte hain jaise kal election khud larna ho.
“Agar main prime minister hoti na to poora system change kar deti.” Ji bilkul, pehle apna cupboard to organize kar lo.
Raat ka dinner bhi ek event hota hai.
Agar daal bani ho to koi kehta hai “Roz daal?” Aur agar biryani bani ho to koi kehta hai “Diet kharab ho jaye gi.” Matlab insaan khaye kya? Hawa?
Aur fridge… fridge to Pakistani ghar ka museum hota hai.
Har dabbe mein koi mystery item hota hai.
Ek dabba jo kabhi khola nahi jata kyunki sab ko pata hota hai ke us mein koi aisi cheez hai jo apni original shape bhool chuki hai.
Phir aata hai Pakistani shaadi season. Ghar mein agar kisi door ke rishtedaar ki shaadi ho to bhi poora ghar ja raha hota hai. “Kapray kya pehnen?” “Unhon ne pichli dafa kya diya tha?” Aur sab se important: “Hum kisi se kam nahi lagne chahiye.”
Pakistani ghar ka remote kabhi nahi milta. Remote aur matching socks dono parallel universe mein chale jate hain. Aur jab milte hain to battery khatam hoti hai.
Aur jab koi ghar ka banda bahar walon se lar le… to ghar wale pehle use daant tay hain, phir kehte hain “Magar galat bhi to woh hi tha.” Matlab internal fight allowed hai, external attack par full unity.
Sab se emotional scene tab hota hai jab Ammi kehti hain “Main chali jaungi ek din, phir yaad karoge.” Aur sab aik dam seedhe ho jate hain. Kyunki Pakistani ghar ka asal hero Ammi hi hoti hain jo sab ko daant bhi sakti hain aur sab ke liye ro bhi sakti hain.
Aur phir raat ko sab apne apne beds par lete huye phone scroll karte hain. 5 minute ke liye soch kar ke bas ab so jate hain… aur phir 2 ghante reels dekhte rehte hain.
Lekin sach bolo to… itna drama, itni complaints, itni chai, itni load shedding, itne mehmaan… in sab ke bawajood Pakistani ghar jaisa sukoon kahin nahi milta. Yahan har roz ek episode hota hai, har din ek new twist, har mahine ek new kharcha, lekin har mushkil ke baad ek saath hansna bhi hota hai.
Aur agar koi bahar wala keh de “Pakistani gharon main bhot shor bohat hota hai” to hum proudly kehte hain: “Haan bhai shor hota hai… tabh hi to pata chalta hai ke Pakistani awam zinda hain”